Tonight I went to a more family friendly promotional event, which I’m passing along the info to anyone who likes eating free pizza (everybody). A week or so ago a certain phone directory company launched www.hiddenpizza.com.au. Advertised was a secret pizza place with a fairly enticing offer, free pizza from April 12-25. All you have to do work out where it is, following their cryptic clues!!

Anyway fuck it, it’s at 285 Brunswick St, Fitzroy and the number to call to order is 1300615786. It’s open from 5:30-10:30pm every day for the next two weeks and they offer one free pizza per day, per customer.  The menu is on the website. I had the Prawn. Was damn tasty.

What I found funny is that the clue is “finding the restaurant is easy, just look it up the way you would any other business“. The apparent correct answer is ‘use the yellow pages’ however I just googled it (my honest answer) and it took me straight to some bargain listing website with more info on it than the yellow pages one. Proof of how redundant the yellow pages is now days, and why they should stop wasting massive amounts of paper distributing their hard copy directory to every home every year, which proceeds to either collect dust or be used as an effective weapon by wife beaters. Thanks for the free food, cunts.

This is not actually the free pizza, just a flyer.

The location was right near my work, so I figured hey, I’m broke, my time is worth nothing to nobody, its cold and windy, and pizza is warm and delicious. Sold!

I was the first one there, just before 5.30, and figured I would be escorted straight in for my free pizza. Mmm, not quite. Thanks to yellow pages being huge whopping cunts and wanting to push the whole ‘look up a phone number’ thing I had to call the number, wait for an operator to ask what pizza I wanted, then be SMSd a code to enter. Problem was they were having problems with the phone line. So I had to wait it out in the cold for 30 minutes, outside a Fitzroy alleyway, shooting the shit with the doorbitch (nice guy, but wouldn’t let me in for pizza till I had that fucking code).

"Sorry mate, you can't eat pizza here with those shoes on"

So after a frustrating 15 or so redials and a 7 minute hold, I finally got to order my prawn pizza, and was was granted my entry code, which turned out to be my mobile number for fucks sake.

The walk in was pretty cool, albeit creepy. I was one of the first people in and there were all the promotion staff standing in an entrance to the seedy building, staring at me, smiling. I was either about to receive some first class service or be auctioned off on the white slave trade. I had to go in an industrial elevator to the basement. You know, the cool ones that are clunky and need to have the door pulled down manually. It was a very neat venue, I have always loved the industrial aesthetic.

Moments before the blood sprinklers started raining down onto vampires dancing to bad techno.

I had been given a ticket for my pizza, which was cooked really fast (thank god) and was handed to me cheerily by one of the cooks. The decor was pretty fucking awesome. Everything looked hand made, right down to a wheely bin made out of wood. The back was was entirely constructed of yellow pages books, and it was nice to see them actually being used for something for once.

This is actually a subtle racist commentary on the Great Wall of China.

I sat down to eat my pizza, which was completely free besides from the 40 minutes I had wasted waiting for it, and the $5s worth of phone calls. It was, as previously stated, quite tasty.

Best pizza I've had, in a factory basement in Fitzroy, ever!

So I recommend going down for some free eatz. Just make sure you fuck around with the calling bullshit before you do, because the pizza is cooked once you arrive so you just need to show up with your code and walk straight in.

These are a lot of words to write about pizza, so be greatful.

You’re going to have to go ahead and get a good mixing bowl, if you don’t already own one just use a discarded peanut butter lid, or something else with shallow depth. Some good sharp scissors will help the process too.

****CENSORED****

And that’s how you make a delicious cannabis cannelloni.

Now for the main dish, Youtube. I try to use fresh Youtube, stale videos can ruin the dish. Here’s some I prepared earlier.

Or for a more complex pallett of flavours try:

mmmmm… that’s good eatin’

Join me next time when I teach how how getting experimental with the munchies can lead to some fantastic gourmet cooking. Pork Sausage wrapped in Cookie Dough?! Yes please!

The more exotic; the rarer (numbers not cooking); the closer to extinction, all the sweeter.  I want to join the Eskimos and club a baby seal to death and feast on its fat reserves.  I want to raise the hurdle on the last jump at the steeple chase just so I can barbeque the favourite.  Hide in the bushes and steel an Aardvarks baby and roast it on a skewer.  Throw a net over a chimpanzee as it searches for berry’s and eat its brains.

It’s not that I’m not an environmentalist, it’s just that unless I’m eating these animals I really can’t see the point in having them around.  I mean come on what do they do for me?  Ecosystem blah blah, I here you say.  Well what happens when I eat the last Western Lowland Gorilla?  Nothing! That’s what.  I tell you all animals fall under the category of `nice to haves’.  If they were that great we could farm them in a profitable way.  That’s all I’m suggesting nothing more, nothing less, that all animals prove their worth purely on the basis of how much people are willing to pay to eat them and if this price is high enough to make it profitable then they will survive and prosper.

All this food chain stuff is garbage, all we need is some grains and fruits and what not, two hundred acres, a couple of horses to round them up and a flexible abattoir.  Think of the stimulus to the economy, the new jobs, new companies and new options on the menu.

Science has quite frankly been dragging its heels.  I feel discriminated against that past generations have had opportunities to eat things I’ll never have the chance to.  Is it fair that some villager in Vietnam has had the chance to eat the last bird of species that westerners only just discovered and my money isn’t good enough to get me just a sautéed breast of one? The fucking Nazi environmentalists are taking over, the freedom is gone, we’re all robots and we live in a sissified state to scared to tell people what we think, too scared to smoke, scared to ride our pushbikes without helmets, scared to drink till we vomit.  Well I say give me my Western Lowland Gorilla before I fucking snap!

The best meat is in the rump

Hall-E remember a while back I said for your b’day we should do this as a cake substitute? Well, on the eve of lunch I present you with the Rubik’s Cubewich. Head on over to insanewiches to see other culinary masterpieces. TAKE NOTE CAF! YOU’RE OFF YOUR GAME…

• Orange and chocolate muffins
• Cheese and chives muffins
• Orange sweet potato soup with yoghurt and lavash bread
• Roasted vegetable and chickpea salad
• Caesar salad
• Massaman beef curry with steamed coconut rice
• Alecha Wat aka Ethiopian vegetable stew flavoured with Berbere spices
• Parmesan crusted baked fish with lemon and capers
• Chicken burger with chilli and lime dressing

Welcome back Sutt-E! Sadly the swearing comp had to cease while you were off…

• Apple and blueberry muffins
• Fruit scone
• Honey roasted parsnip and potato soup with crusty bread
• Beetroot, rocket and roasted sweet potato salad
• Asian coleslaw with crisp noodles salad
• Wok-seared asian greens with chicken and chilli jam
• Paella of winter vegetables, white beans and artichokes
• Roast pork with crispy crackling and apple sauce with roast vegetables
• Steak sandwich with red onion jam, garlic mayo, cos lettuce in a ciabatta roll

• Spiced honey muffins
• Roasted pepper and pesto scroll with fetta
• Potato and sweet corn chowder with croutons
• Slow cooked beef and red wine casserole served with rosemary potatoes
• Spiced lentil and pumpkin tagine served with buttered cous cous
• Roast leg of lamb with mustard jus
• Chicken satay wrap with tomato, butter lettuce, onion and dressing

• White chocolate and raspberry muffins
• Bacon and corn muffins
• Creamy potato and leek Soup with a crusty bread roll
• Bean and lentil Salad
• Roasted fennel and orange salad
• Osso Bucco served with creamy garlic mash
• Provencal tart served with salad or vegetables
• Marinated chicken pieces in garlic and oregano with roasted chats
• Homemade burger

• Apple and cinnamon muffin
• Scones with jam and cream
• Spicy pumpkin, coriander and coconut soup with crusty flat bread
• Roasted vegetable and chickpea salad
• Tomato and bocconcini salad
• Stir-fried Hoi Sin chicken with ginger rice
• Moroccan vegetable stew with minted cous cous
• Roast leg of lamb studded with garlic served with mint sauce
• Prosciutto, rosemary pesto and baby mozzarella pizza

• Blueberry and orange muffins
• Bacon, cheese and chive scroll
• Caramelised onion and parsnip soup
• Asian noodle salad
• Green salad
• Slow cooked beef vindaloo served with yoghurt and pappadums
• Frittata of zucchini, oregano and ricotta
• Oven roasted chicken pieces in garlic and rosemary
• Tuna Burger on Turkish bread with tomato, rocket, Spanish onion and Remoulade Sauce

Wow, Yorkshire pudding:

• Walnut and brown sugar muffins
• Corn and cheese muffins
• Lentil and bean soup with herb sour cream and toast wedges
• Brown rice and peptide salad traditional greek salad’
• Thai chicken curry
• Corn and fetta fritters with sour cream
• Roast beef with yorkshire pudding – red wine jus and roasted potato wedges
• Tender lamb tikka wrapped roti with minted yoghurt

Looks like it’s the debut of the token Asian meal haha! If only this crew were catering our caf… Imagine the menu creativity! That and the outlandish costumes…

• Orange and poppy seed muffin
• Cheese and chives scones
• Spicy chickpea soup with croutons
• Tuscan white bean salad
• Caesar salad
• Slow braised chicken with chorizo
• Seared Asian greens with marinated tofu topped off with roasted pine nuts tossed in hokkien noodles
• Baked fish with lemon tomato olive
• Steak sandwich caramelized onion with alio and cos lettuce in a baguette

This menu just gets bigger and bigger. I wonder when the honeymoon period will end? Won’t be long till we starting arranging second mortgages just to eat… Anyway, enjoy:

• Creamy cauliflower and cheese soup
• Beetroot, lentil, spinach and roasted pumpkin salad
• Lamb shanks infused with spices served on garlic mash
• Ricotta and spinach cream linguini
• Roast pork with crispy crackling and apple sauce
• Italian style pizza

And now the update with pics…

Firstly, The Chieftan approves of his lamb shank:

Sutt-E’s sandwich artist obviously skipped Salt and Pepper 101 class…

Hard-E’s roast pork. Sutt-E makes a cameo in the background. He’s been hanging with Ben Cousins a bit…

Ben-E’s eezzy cheezy ricotta and spinach linguini…

Yep, the new crew have started and have given the old menu a decent shakeup. Anyway, enjoy today’s dishes:

• Vegetable and barley soup with parmo toast wedges
• Lamb rogan josh with yoghurt and papadums
• Double potato haloumi bake
• Marinated chicken pieces in lemon and chilli
• Chicken chilli wrap

UPDATE: The Chieftan was so impressed by the menu he requested a photo be taken…

????

No news yet Suttie so it looks like the Nando’s Friday emergency action plan might have to be initiated…

• Pea soup
• Penne bolognaise
• Butter chicken with rice
• Pumpkin, mixed bean and spinach casserole

On a side note, the morning tea menu has introduced a cheese and bacon hash brown. Maybe I’ll grab a pic of it later this morning as I wolfed the first one down just before…

Hump day and not long till the change of guard on the caf. Anyway onto today’s menu:

• Tomato and basil soup
• Portuguese roast chicken
• Beef and burgundy stew
• Vegetarian nachos

After much delay (thank you, you fuckin’ piece of shit of a work PC), here’s today’s menu:

• Potato and bacon soup
• Limb tikka masala with rice
• Chilli con carne with rice
• Vegetable burger

• Vegetable and barley soup
• Beef burger
• Penne calebrese
• Pumpkin and bean casserole with rice